u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am one with the molecules
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
