meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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