I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
