ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
