Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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