I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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