I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
