i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
