hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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