you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
