An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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