Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
