Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
