my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
