true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
