He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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