After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
