I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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