Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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