My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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