i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
