Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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