So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
