I'm so fucking centered right now
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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