How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
