Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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