is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
