can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
