3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
