If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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