Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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