she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Everyone says I win the strip club
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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