I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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