What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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