Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Randomize
