I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
