Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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