tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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