when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
