My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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