Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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