i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
40s are totally the cure
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
