I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
