If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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