I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just gift wrapped bread.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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