i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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