At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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