I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
