K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
