We won't sleep together?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
